Men and Women – My Personal Observations

[I apologize in advance that, although relationships are varied,  this only addresses those between men and women.]

I’ve never read the Venus and Mars book(s) but I know what it’s about – how men and women are different and how to recognize those differences. The thing to remember is this: as much as women want men to be more like them and vice-versa, that is not likely to happen.

Everyone knows relationships are based on friendship, trust, loyalty and love.  If you don’t have some combination of those, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the situation.  However, the one thing often overlooked and equally important is a respect for the other individual for being who they are – a simple common courtesy that we often afford to our friends, co-workers, sometimes even complete strangers, but when it comes to our mates, we can be less appreciating and much more condemning.

It’s taken me some time to learn and accept how things are, but age mellows a person and you realize certain ways about people and the world around you. When we are young, we only have the ability to perceive and appreciate our own beings and the invisible bubble we live in. We have this impression that everyone is supposed to have the same thought process we do and, although that’s a wonderful concept, it just isn’t the case; particularly when it comes to men and women.

Talking in extreme measures, women are emotional bitches and men, on the other end of the spectrum are insensitive bastards. These are, of course, the extreme ends of the spectrum and somewhere in the middle lies the truth for most of us. As with anything, there are those who truly are at the polar end (run away from them) and those rare exceptions that anyone would be lucky to have as a partner because they don’t quite fit all the stereotypical male/female personas.  Coming from a women’s perspective, perhaps this is slightly biased.  However, I have always preferred the company of men and, other than my sisters, there are very few women I have close friendships with, so perhaps these observations would be considered a fair assessment.

Women like drama, they thrive on drama, they are drama queens. Life is about crisis and worry and panicking and any scenario of what might happen. Men are pragmatic, they worry but it’s almost always about money or anything related to money. Otherwise, whatever it is will work out and they have better things to do like check the scores of last night’s game and most often men don’t want to be involved. Perhaps men could practice a little more understanding and patience when women are in a crisis and women need to realize men do care, they just don’t always show it well or get worked up like they do.

As a general rule, men are terrible listeners. Women sometimes just want someone to listen to them, to sympathize and say “Wow, that sucks dear, let me give you a hug.” Women don’t need someone solving their problems; telling them what they should do or how they could do it better. (Man speaking: “Well if it was me, this is what I’d do…blah, blah, blah.”) That’s why you’ll find women bitching in their little girlfriend circles. (See further below.) Men need to just sit and listen or at least pretend to listen once in a while and women can pretend to be thankful that men are pretending to listen instead of saying “You’re not listening!”

When things go wrong as they sometimes will, women can remain upset for days, holding on to things forever and a day. Men like to move on, get past things. They figure if they just have sex and don’t talk about it, then everything is fine; case closed. Although I’m not totally convinced men forget things as they claim. I believe they stash them somewhere waaaay back in some corner of their brains.  Typically, men don’t withdraw for days (months, years) or hold grudges like women do. I know from personal experience it isn’t healthy hanging on to things. I suppose I’m still guilty of it at times but I think I’ve gotten better. Too much time is wasted holding on to anger and blame – the “who is right and wrong” syndrome.  Let go and move on or opportunities will pass by.

Don’t ever ask a man to find something that’s lost. For whatever reason men suck at finding lost things. The item in question can be right in front of them and they will somehow overlook it. Maybe it comes from a man’s lack of noticing things. Unlike women who sometimes notice everything. You know those type – the ones who give you the once over right down to your shoes when you meet them on the street. (What in hell is someone doing looking at my shoes? I could never figure that out.) There are women who notice every single thing when they step into your house (nosy bitches).  Perhaps both sexes can work on noticing more or less, whichever the case may be.

Women are also more gossipy than men because they like drama and, as I have said, they tend to notice more. However, I do believe men are more gossipy than is believed. Not like women of course: “Did you hear about so-and-so?” “Oh my, how scandalous – do tell.” No, men are far more subtle and nonchalant about it: “I guess Jim-Bob’s wife is leaving him.” “Really?” “Yup, she ran off with the neighbor’s wife.” “Huh.” “Did you see that game last night?” Of course everyone knows gossip is not good for anyone and we could all learn to do a LOT less judging of others and focus on what’s going on in our own lives.

Women want men to know what they want, what they feel. From the women’s train of thought, when she is upset, if her man really knew her, he would know what was wrong; she wouldn’t have to explain herself. Women are sensitive and men don’t like women being so sensitive, (“Oh, don’t be so sensitive!”). Well, that’s what a woman is; she cries easily, her feelings get hurt. Men expect women to be as literal as they are which isn’t possible because they are women. You know that old cliché from a man’s perspective – “I’m not a mind reader.” Perhaps that’s because their minds are too distracted by their jobs, or the ballgame last night or whether or not the car needs an oil change. It isn’t too difficult for a man to pay more attention to what’s going on right in front of him.

I think women have expectations of men. They always seem to hope for more and most of the time what you see is what you get. Women have illusions of grandeur, thinking romantic dinners and getaways will be planned for them; that somehow men are going to spontaneously combust into some imaginative, dreamy guy because that’s what they want. Unfortunately, this is not the case and women often end up getting disappointed. They blame the man, but really a man is just being himself most of the time.  It’s the woman who is putting all these expectations on him. If only a woman would say – “This is what I want,”  or make plans herself and say “Let’s do this.”  Most times men will happily go along and it will make life so much easier.

With men, life seems to center around money and being practical. Men are typically planners. Some men will let years go by, let their whole lives go by so they can save and save for their retirement. (I was with one of those once. Not a pleasant experience.) All well and good to plan ahead as long as you are enjoying life and your family along the way. Women, on the other hand, like to spend. They think money is growing in a garden in the back yard and have no concept one day everyone is going to grow old. Woman like to plan for trips and parties and other fun things, but the future? Retirement? Not so much. Women are more frivolous and spur of the moment. So many relationships fail over money problems. There is definitely something to be said for good communication, trust and common ground.

Men might be known as the strong ones in the relationship (while women are often considered weak and needy) but when they are sick, men are the worst. Typically, they think they are dying when they have a head cold. Mostly, men just want to be babied and pampered. And really, is it that difficult for women to offer a kind word and a little sympathy? Men want women to acknowledge them. They want a woman to say “Hey honey, thank you.” He doesn’t need a woman making him feel badly all the time by telling him all the things he’s not doing good enough. However, women tend to be very good at finding fault instead of saying what they appreciate – regardless of how small or irrelevant it might seem. Some women do love to nag…nag, nag, nag. There are those women who are never satisfied and complain about everything no matter how much a man does for them. How much better would it be to say thank you once in a while (or in some cases not say anything at all).

Women do love to bitch.  (And let’s be clear that bitching and nagging can be two different things – depending on if the woman really is a bitch, then they’re probably the same thing.)  Women love to get together with their friends and bitch. Daughters love to bitch to their mothers. Sisters love to bitch to sisters. It is the nature of the beast. Most of the time, there aren’t even any bad intentions on all these little things being bitched about; it is just a woman’s makeup. From a man’s perspective all those negative thoughts aren’t productive, but to women it’s a way to release and move on. Men don’t bitch like women do and they probably don’t understand all that women bitching. Men bitch about their job, money or world affairs. So men get together with other men and talk about men stuff – sports, sex (only the good stuff, of course), work and hunting. Maybe because it would show a sign of weakness to their own species if they bitched about anything too “personal.” Typically, men like to bottle that stuff up and keep it to themselves. Perhaps that’s why their life expectancy isn’t as long as a woman’s.

Two other big stumbling blocks in a relationship between men and women are over sex and how to raise children.  Sex usually plays an important role in any healthy, passionate relationship, particularly for men but also for women.  If there’s no sex (but still important to one or the other) and absolutely no passion or at least a solid friendship, perhaps it’s time to reassess.  When children are thrown into the mix, it can cause many outcomes.  Some relationships are made stronger by family bonds but then there are others who falter; those parents who never agree on how to raise children and can even use their kids to play the “good” parent against the “bad” one.  No wonder there is so much stress and miscommunication between men and women (and so many strained relationships). The reality is we can both be selfish and self-centered at times; very unwilling to appreciate, respect and accept we are different people with different needs.

I had a friend who once explained her relationship like this: “I don’ know if he’s such a bastard because I’m such a bitch or I’m such a bitch because he’s such a bastard.” Funny how some people seem so incompatible yet stay together. It’s hard to know all the reasons why people choose to remain unhappy together in this short lifespan. Perhaps it’s because the unknown is scarier than what’s in front of them. There are couples who have strange ways of communicating. I remember visiting relatives with my husband, sitting on the couch and watching them argue back and forth like a ping pong match gone rabid, wishing we could be invisible and slide out the door. I guess to them it was how they communicated because they are still married all these years later and appear to be very dedicated to each other. A friend told me her relationship was not so much based on sexual attraction, as people believed, but more so in the comfort and ability to communicate with her partner – which was another woman. So consider that when choosing who you plan to spend the rest of your life with.

What some women and men never come to understand is that we are different. It is just the way it is. Don’t get me wrong, there are people out there who are “anomalies.” My father was brought up to do everything just as well as any woman. He could cook and sew and tend to us children, but I still think Dad learned from Mom how to be more thoughtful and know the things that made her happy. He paid attention to her; they paid attention to each other, accepted flaws and enjoyed being together. Perhaps that’s why they were married for over 50 years. My husband was an extremely thoughtful man and my son is that way also, although growing up in a house with three women might have contributed to his insight. He is extremely creative and anytime there are special occasions, he will do unique, thoughtful things for people because he knows what they like; he pays attention. I find that to be rare.

I think men and women would get along so much better if they would both understand they are actually different and there has to be a level of acceptance for being who they are; a level of understanding and even forgiveness. I’m far from perfect, but I like to think I’ve grown some and learned a few things along the way. I’ve learned you can’t change personalities; you either accept the way someone is or you move on. We are all individuals and have certain flaws and interesting traits which make us who we are as people and also as men and women. This is what real life is like so deal with it – which isn’t to say Sally can’t try harder and doesn’t have to be a princess bitch or Bob can stop being an insensitive ass just because he’s a man. We can all learn to pay attention to the people we love and appreciate them a little more. We need to know our partners, realize our differences and special personalities, and respect each other as individuals; show some common courtesy.  Perhaps men and women are created equal under the law but we are separate and unique species with distinctive personalities, some parts great and some less than stellar, but it sure does make life a lot more interesting.