Just 5 Minutes

A friend of mine recently passed away.  Someone I have known for 26 years, and without any warning, he is gone from my life.  I had seen him recently in our mutual work cafeteria.  I smiled and waved a greeting to him and yelled “Hey Buzz.”  I could have walked over and asked him how he was doing, what was going on in his life, but I didn’t.  I didn’t take that time.  I was too busy getting my toast and running back to my office to wonder how my friend of 26 years was doing lately; too busy to give him 5 minutes.  I never could have imagined it would be the last time I would see him.

I think we’ve all had those “what if” or “should have done” times in our lives.  I know I’ve had some in mine.

I remember January 10^th feeling like a very strange day, the day my husband died.  Somehow, it just felt different.  Dan was in a bad mood most of the day and my husband was always Mr. Fun.  We went skating on the pond that day.  Dan decided to take my fathers four wheeler on the ice.  He had just come back from taking our son for a ride and was going back out. He waved to me as I stood near the shore but something compelled me to walk out to see him.  He still seemed so unhappy and just looked at me.  I told him not to drive too fast because I thought there was something wrong with one of the tires.  I could have told him I loved him, could have hugged him to try and make him feel better, but I didn’t.  I just watched him go and walked away.  He never came back.

When my father was ill, I stopped at my parent’s house to ask Mom how he was doing.  She said he was in bed not feeling well.  I could have walked the 10 or so steps to the bedroom to see him, but I told myself I didn’t want to bother him, when really I think it was for my own benefit, not wanting to see my father in a weakened condition.  But what if he had wanted to see me?  It reminded me of the time none of us kids made the trip to First Roach for Father’s Day, (where my parents spent their summers).  We didn’t think it would bother my father but it did.  It bothered my father a lot, even though he would never say it to any of us.  Mom said he looked for us to show up all day.  This man who had given so much of himself and I couldn’t take one drive for him, not 10 steps to his bedroom door.  He died that night.

Of course I wish I had done some things differently but I’ve come to believe life can’t be lived on “what if’s.”  They never change the outcome and they settle in like a dark cloud that just keep following you around for as long as you let them.  Life happens and you have to try to learn from each thing – good or bad – that it throws at you.

I think we all get caught up in our busy lives.  We have those cards we are intending to send, phone calls we keep thinking we ought to make to old friends, visits we need to make to relatives we haven’t seen in awhile.  We are all guilty of letting time slip by us.  Every time I call my college roommate she will say “I suck” (meaning herself) because I am always the one who calls her.  I know she actually has good intentions to call me and that’s why I do it.  Otherwise, we might never talk.  I have another close friend who hasn’t even been inside the apartment I’ve been living in for 7 months.  I know if we visit, I have to go to her house, otherwise, we might never see each other.  If people sit on the principle of it being a “two-way street” and wait, ultimately we just end up hurting ourselves.  Should there really be a scorecard when it comes to people we care about?  I don’t think so.

We always think we have the time.  When I hear about people feuding with friends, relatives, or the case where there is a long stretch of time between reunions, I ask myself the following questions: “If this person died,  would you go to their funeral?”  “Do you want to wait that long? “

Unfortunately, it is human nature to put things off, for us to think we have time to wait  – even when it comes to people we care about.  We all put things off or should I say we put people off, allowing the world to set our priorities, positioning ourselves in our cocoon of excuses until the unthinkable happens.

Before she went back to college, my daughter asked me one morning, as I was getting ready for work, if I would take the day off and go shopping in Freeport.  I told her I couldn’t because I had already taken too much time off from work lately.  She said she understood.  I sat there for a moment and thought about Buzz, this friend I will never see again.  I thought about my parents and how they always had the time for me.  I don’t remember them ever telling me they were too busy.  They were always there when I needed them.  I thought about words a friend told me once.  That on his deathbed a man will never wish he had spent more time at the office, but he often wished he had spent more time with his family.  I thought about how precious our time really is and how little I had gotten to see my daughter all summer and now she would be going back to college.  I chose to take the day off and give my time to her.

For awhile, I kept a weekly list of “Good Deeds.”  These were things I wanted to accomplish; usually one good deed a day.  I think it’s something I need to get back to.   They weren’t big items; call a friend, send a card, write a note, little things that might brighten someones day.  However trivial it seems – imagine if everyone did it.

Whether its friends, family or anyone who means something to us, it really is the time we give that people will remember.  An email, a phone call, a thank you card, an “I love you,” 10 steps, 5 minutes of our time, whatever it takes to let people know we care.